My Journey - From Him to Her

I'm back

2006-11-22T09:31:35Z

I've not posted on Lj for a long time, I not really sure why this is but anyway I'm Back.

Recent stuff...
I've decided to relaunch my business, I closed it down about 2 years ago, it had got too much for me, clients were making unreasonable demands and I just couldn't keep up. So I'm back in the yellow pages, I've yet to make business cards but that's easy with VistaPrint.
I got a call yesterday on the old number from an ad I put in Yell about 6 months ago (the first and only call) so that kinda proved that the name I chose doesn't work. So I've re-entered Yell with my old company name. When it was in before with just a single line free ad I used to get quite a few calls a week, so I'd call that an expensive leason in market research LOL

One problem I have is my partner doesn't want the home address going in Yell because last time we got all sorts of idiots turning up with computers to be fixed, so I've got to come up with something else. One option is a mailing service but then that'll make me look like I'm in a different town, or I can try and strike up a deal with a friend with a business to use their postal address, probably do their PC's in return for postal services.

Who will give me away

2006-05-10T14:04:21Z

Great news
My g/f has proposed to me, suppose this means we're engaged. We're already making wedding plans. The wedding is to be next year, we're going to have a civil service for a few of our friends and family to come to then a much more elaborate afair for our pagan friends.

Don't get me wrong I'm over the moon, I love her intensly but I don't have anyone to give me away. I haven't spoken to my parents for over a year, and to honest I would want my bitch mother anywhere near me if you paid me, my dad on the otherhand is ok, he had a bit of a wobbly when I came out to them but he's spoken to me since (but not for a year) the trouble is if BitchMother says no to him he won't defy her and to be honest I wouldn't force him, it wouldn't be worth the stress.

So I'm left with no one to give me away, I have no long term significant friends and haven't met anyone I feel that close to as a friend for so long I can't remember.

phoenix_in_me @ 2006-05-10T14:49:00

2006-05-10T13:50:06Z

Passing

2006-05-08T14:19:17Z

I know I got hung up on the person staring back at me in the mirror and how the hell was I gona pass.

I started studying the way women looked, especialy from behind in the supermarket, I'd pick a woman with her back to me, she'd probably have quite a short hair cut and be wearing trowsers and a plain T shirt and I'd try and work out what it was about her that told me that she was female. I'd have to say a lot of the time it was difficult to work out what it was about a person that told my brain she was female, I came to the conclussion a lot of it was down to confidence.

You have to bear in mind a natal woman is very unlikly to have any hangups or doubts about her feminity, she was born female so there is no doubt in her mind she is female. Transwomen have a harder time because we first have to convince ourselves we are female and that is the way we want to spend the rest of our lives, any doubt at this point will show as inperceptible body language. People are often totaly unaware they are picking up on others body language but a minor doubt in your own mind will come out somewhere in your body language. I suppose what I'm saying is for me it became a whole lot easier to pass when I convinced myself I was no different to 90% of the other women around me, we all have imperfections and lumps and bumps in the wrong places, virtualy no one has a perfect hourglass figure, and don't get me onto hair and faces. I suppose what I'm saying is a huge proportion of passing is down to confidence, because this affects the way you stand, your facial expression and a whole load more. The best looking woman will raise suspision if she looks shifty or scared, but if you look just like all the other women out there then you won't raise an eyebrow.

Dose change

2006-05-02T20:48:28Z

Recently I've been suffering some fits of depression, and as they were fits I eventualy worked out they were coming at regular times of the day. For about 2 years now I've been taking 50mg of Androcure once each evening and it occured to me that it might be some sort of peek and trough my body was going through with the ant-androgens so decided as I didn't fancy messing about cutting tabs I'd take 50mg in the morning and 50mg in the evening. I'm glad to say it seems to have had the desired effect I feel more ballenced and haven't had any of the lows in the evening.

Another effect I didn't expect, bearing in mind I've been on monies and Androcure for about 3-4 years now I didn't expect anymore body changes, but My boobs are definitly getting bigger.

I'd be intereted to know if anyone has experienced late development like this after years of nothing changing.

To tell or not to tell

2006-03-24T13:36:31Z

I have a quandary.

I consider myself to have completed my transition, I can't exactly pinpoint the day or week it happened, I think it was more of a gradual realisation that being me as a woman is far less effort than the existence I had before. I read recently on another TG blogg that this person was troubled when they realised when they thought about themselves they still used male references, again I can't remember when that stopped.

I've just about lost all the friends I had before transition, I can honestly say though it wasn't all down to my transition, I think it was mostly down to my change in lifestyle. So my quandary is this, I have a couple of new friends who I'm aware are TS but I'm not sure if they've read me, so how do you come out to another TS without revealing yourself if they haven't read you?

I decided some time ago that if I got read and someone asked that terrifying question "did you used to be a man" I would be honest, I'm not ashamed of what I am and how I got to where I am, I've lived a good portion of my life as the opposite sex and that's given me a perspective other women don't have.

I could just keep my mouth shut and assume they haven't read me, after all I got read a while ago by another friend who being a Goth you could say is probably more aware of the TG community than most. He tentativley approached me on a night out with friends and hinted heavily at me being TS, so I was honest with him. Later he said he and his wife had discussed me and still couldn't decide between themselves if I was TS, which I found very encouraging

phoenix_in_me @ 2006-03-22T08:34:00

2006-03-22T08:32:32Z

phoenix_in_me @ 2006-03-10T03:15:00

2006-03-10T14:17:24Z

I've been without Estrogen for about 3-4 weeks now I ran out of patches and not been able to get to my Dr to get more, though I have still been taking the Androcure so my T levels are probably next to nothing. So all in all my system is a bit fucked up and don't I know it. My energy levels are zero, any exhersion and I'm nackard, I fall asleep straight after eating my evening meal and my concentration is all over the place.

I have to lock away my feelings otherwise I'd be in tears all the time which is having the effect of making me a heartless bitch to those around me which I hate.

phoenix_in_me @ 2006-03-08T13:42:00

2006-03-08T13:34:55Z

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 5.38

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

Why now

2006-03-08T13:22:25Z

Not sure what I'ms starting this Lj for but it seemed that as someone who's been living post transition now for 3 years that maybe I have some life experience I can impart to other about to or contemplating transition.

I've notice quite a strong trans community on Lj so I hope I have something to contribute.